ER 101

So now that I can type with two hands again, I present to you the lessons I learned while sitting in the emergency room.

First lets define emergency, courtesy of dictionary.com

1. e⋅mer⋅gen⋅cy
    [i-mur-juhn-see] noun, plural -cies, adjective
–noun / a sudden, urgent, usually unexpected occurrence or occasion requiring immediate action.

Now that you know what it means, here's the rules.

First rule.

Your kid's snotty nose does not warrant a trip to the ER. Especially if he is well and able enough to run around smacking the back of everyone's chairs, shake the vending machine until it breaks, or scream at random for no reason.

This also means that you do not have to bring the kids brothers and sisters who are not sick or have no emergency. You also don't have to bring their cousins. Or their uncle. Or grandma and grandpa and the rest of the extended family.

I mean seriously?? For a snotty nose?? Why the heck would you pile up so many people for?

You do not need to be in the emergency room for that. You need to go to HEB or Kroger and go to the medicine aisle and get some kid's cough and cold cherry syrup and stop taking up every single chair available. Sicker more emergency-stricken people could use them.

And should you disregard this rule, then you are hereby ordered to put your kids, cousins, and any other person that is not old enough to drink, on a tight leash and keep them in your immediate reaching radius.

Next rule

An emergency room is NOT a restaurant. There are no reservations, there is no one to wait on you and give you whatever you want when you snap your fingers, nor is anyone obligated to take orders from you. YOU have an emergency, and you are not in a position to be a mean [swear word], because the people you are working so diligently to piss off can decide that your emergency isn't important..... and that leaves you back at square one.

So mister 'I have a business in Market Street and have giant gas guzzling cars' - if your tush gets out of your chair when the waiting room is standing room only, every man for himself ER - I will **not** hold your spot. Didn't you ever hear the saying, 'move your meat, lose your seat'? And how dare you try to demand that after you walk away for 30 minutes - HALF AN HOUR - that I move once you return so you can have your seat back. This is not a restaurant, and there are no reservations. No no guy, don't mess with me. ESPECIALLY when I'm in pain and clearly have more of an emergency than your moneybags have ever seen or known. Its not my fault that your penny loafers don't know what solid ground feels like since you've apparently bullied everyone around you into thinking they need to act as your footstool. Maybe if you offered me some of your mountains of cash that you brag about, I might be inclined to do you that small favor instead of you demanding that I am lesser than you and therefore should listen to your money. Go buy yourself some manners and social skills.

Next rule

Don't be drunk. Drinking, you see, is supposed to be in moderation. Being DRUNK in a place that's not a bar is considered public intoxication, which will get you arrested. And if you showed up to the hospital drunk, you probably drove. And drinking while intoxicated is illegal. And OH YEAH -- hospital staff do blood tests, and if you have an illegal amount of alcohol in your system, the good old boys in blue will be paying you a visit. Hospital staff, you see, can't be held liable for letting a person who has a BAC over the legal limit back on the street... because you might hit someone, and that someone might sue the hospital for not sending you off safely. So you get to go to jail instead.

Next rule

Dude...... your stab wound, blood stained hands, and dirty torn up clothes tell the whole story. You obviously fought with someone, and they got the better of you. And you look like you were probably not 'fighting' with someone, but rather ATTACKING someone, and they got the upperhand and showed you something you weren't expecting, therefore your crime that you tried to commit just got rained on.

Don't go to the hospital. They will call the police because you look suspicious.

The patients in the waiting room will call the police because you look like the guy I just saw on America's Most Wanted, and we overheard you calling your buddy on your cellphone, panic stricken, telling them how you 'cant talk right now' but things didnt go as planned.

Next rule

The phonebook by the telephone is a resource material for people who might need to use it to perhaps call a number listed in it. You may not give it to your kids as a toy to tear pages out of and throw paper balls or paper airplanes or make spit wads out of.

Next rule

NO TEXT MESSAGING DARN IT! The sick lady who is obviously having an emergency cannot sleep when your text messages keep ringing every 2 seconds. PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THAT PERSON -- don't spend 3 hours sending 10 words back and forth. And if you choose to disregard this rule, put your phone on SILENT!

Next rule

The tv on closed captioning lets those of us who can't hear the tv know whats going on despite your loud phone conversation, shouting screaming kids, and ringing text messages. We all just saw what happened. You do not need to keep recapping for us. 'OH MAN Did you just see that! So and so just did this!

I know. The person next to me knows. EVERYONE knows. We all are staring at the tv because we're pretending not to notice the rest of the annoyances, and we're biting our tongue so we dont lash out at stupid penny loafers who is demanding that sick people wait on him. We are paying more attention to the tv than we do in our own homes. Really, you don't need to narrate for us.

Next rule

Do NOT socialize with the drunk man! He'll think he's in a bar and then try to hit on the rest of us! Seriously!!

Next rule

Do try and make an effort to listen for your name. Don't ask me if they called your name because I don't know your name... we haven't even met. And I'm not interested in meeting people in the emergency room. I'm interested in getting my emergency taken care of

Anyhow I can keep going... but this should be enough learning material for you today.

As for the doctors, nurses, interns, reception desk, and other hospital staff - you guys were awesome and gave me some fantastic care! But get a police officer to do security detail. Then he would have thrown drunk guy away, and I could have told the noisy kids that the 'man in the uniform over there is watching you so BE QUIET!!', and maybe penny loafers would have realized that you don't have power unless you have a .22 strapped to your waist and a badge pinned to your chest.

[Police officers are awesome, and I have the utmost respect and admiration for them, by the way. :) ]

So there you have it. As GI JOE Would say...

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

Fortune time!

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